All of these are things I have had said to me. My responses, listed here, are my fantasy responses. You see — in civilized society it is often best to keep our mouths shut and take a deep breath. But, this blog does not belong in civilized society, so this is no-holds-barred. I’m sure other writers will relate and hope non-writers will, after reading, beware.
(cocky grin) “I bet I could write a novel, too.”
Sure. Just sign on the dotted line and the magical story elf will run across the world, climb the tallest mountain, and bring down the magic shovel, returning it straight back to you. What’s the shovel for? Oh, for digging your head out of your ass. You think writing is so simple you could just take an afternoon off every other week and write a best seller? You know what? Use the shovel to dig your own grave while you’re at it. On an unrelated note, have you seen my chainsaw anywhere?
(raised eyebrow) “Five thousand words? That it?”
Yeah, ‘fraid so. Why don’t you come around on Friday, I’ll have a billion word story written out for ya. Make sure to bring your glasses and have your fingers ready, when you’re finished reading I’m going to put you to work writing your own epitaph. Why? Oh… no reason. Seriously, try writing five thousand coherent words that add up to something meaningful. A four minute walk is nothing, but four minutes of TABATA workout and your ass shall be kickethed.
(looking unimpressed) “So, how much do you earn making all this stuff up?”
Enough to afford a large set of sharp kitchen knives. Would you like to see them? Oh, you only meant to ask a simple question? Alright, let me ask it back to you. So, how much do you earn being a pushover piece of shit, fucked in the ass by your corporate boss/owner?
(After explaining my novel in detail) “I have an idea that you could write about!”
Does it involve me castrating you and making you smoke your dick like a cigar? No?
“Well, you’re kind of unemployed, right? You’re a writer.”
Hey, good one! You’re kind of funny, too. You’d be even funnier with your head flattened by my truck.
“Hey, you should write about my cat! He’s funny!”
Absolutely. I can think of a lot of funny scenarios for your cat. Some involving balls of yarn, others involving flamethrowers and improvised explosives. He may or may not be funny, but he will sure as hell be funny looking when I get done ‘writing’ your cat. Or, you know, you could write your own asinine insider stories and fuck yourself silly while you read them.
“Could you write me into one of your stories?”
Could I? I’m planning on it. I’ve been looking for a useless jackass to kill off in the first few scenes of my horror story. Don’t worry, it won’t be too excruciating. I’ll just have the killer hitch your nipples up to jumper cables and rub the skin off your face with extra coarse sandpaper. Keep talking, though, and I’ll think of something worse.